Let Me Reintroduce Myself

What’s in a name, really? Turns out a lot. When I got married 18 years ago, I took my husbands name. I kept my maiden as my middle name, as a way to keep my name close, but I took his name if for no other reason than tradition. I wasn’t interested in hyphenating my name, not because I didn’t appreciate a shared moniker, but for more practical reasons. I worked in theater at the time and the box office manager complained near constantly about hyphenated names. Apparently people filled out orders incorrectly all the time, and the tickets were never where they were supposed to be. I know, that’s a silly reason not to do it, but for simplicities sake, I went with maiden as middle, married as last, and signed my marriage license without another thought.

But here I am, just a few days from my getting my official divorce decree, and suddenly putting a whole lot of thought into my name—and what it means to me. Heier is Norwegian, but looks German, and confuses pretty much everyone. It’s unique, and I’m pretty sure you don’t know anyone with the same name. The only people I know with it are relatives. Back when phone books were a thing I’d occasionally look at one when traveling, and there were never any Heier’s listed. I love my family name, and I am not even 100% sure where it came from. The story I heard was when my great great grandfather came over there were too many people with his last name, so he had to choose a new one. I’ve been told Heier is both a fjord and a farm in Norway. I’m not sure anyone really knows. I should probably do some research. With the Internet, it’s possible I could have this sorted in a couple hours. Who knows, maybe an aunt in Wisconsin has it written down somewhere. Regardless, either way, I have a kick ass maiden name, and I’m going back to it.

When you get divorced there is a lot of paperwork, so much so I am now convinced many stay married if for no other reason to avoid the paperwork. I kid, kind of. Anyway, buried in all those forms there is a space for a requested name change. I thought about it briefly, but knew in my heart I was going back to my name, the one I had for three decades before I walked down the aisle. To those who asked me, what about your kids? Well, I asked them and they looked at me like, why ya asking? And to be fair, I’d have considered their objections if they had any, but I don’t see a scenario where I’d let my 10 and 14 year old children decide this for me. They know me as mom, and as a grown woman this decision was to be mine alone. But I asked and if they had concerns I would have talked them through it.

There was another group of objectors who chimed in with sincerity and concern, telling me that as a professional I might need to keep my married name. They said that because that is how people know me it would be easier, basically saying it was unnecessary to rock the boat. That one confused me. I mean, if we can celebrate a newly married colleague and accept their new email address without a second thought, why would the same kindness change after divorce? I’ve seen many people just change their name, with no explanation, and life simply moves on, as it should. Being a professional would not be a reason for me to keep my married name. And let’s be real, changing a name is a big deal for everyone, not just people with business cards. It felt like an awkward reason.

I needed to do what felt right, and for me that was taking my old name back. Going back to Heather Heier.

So why am I sharing this? Because I strongly believe we can be of service to others when we normalize divorce. It is not something I am ashamed of, quite the contrary. I tell everyone in my circle it’s the best thing to ever happen to me, besides being a mother to my children, having the best job on the planet, working with and knowing so many exceptional humans that it blows my mind daily… You get the point, I consider my amicable divorce a great thing, and am not afraid to share the news with my personal and professional networks.

I also know that men benefit from the patriarchy and are not faced with this decision upon divorcing. For them there are no long wait lines for new drivers licenses, no LinkedIn or Facebook name changes, no new email addresses and no stacks of paperwork to carry around until their new, or old names, stick. And there is also no implied bias relating to productivity when facing the stress that accompanies a life change—because if they don’t mention it, or change an email address, no one will even have to know. For this reason I share my story so women like me, but who feel burdened by the paperwork or the stigma, will feel less alone in the onslaught of forms and hushed voices.

I live a little more out loud than some, so I appreciate there are different choices being made by women and men when it comes to name changes and public declarations. Which is why I say keep your name if that is what feels right. Go back to your maiden name if that is what you determine makes the best sense for you. Or, if you are really tired of the patriarchy, make yourself an entirely new name. I know two people who did this, and they are absolutely thrilled they did.

In my heart I believe divorce does not have to be a four letter word or a curse on our professional status. Do what feels right. Then get back to work and start building your new life. Onward.